House on the Rock – Part 5

Back in May of 2017 I visited the House on the Rock in Wisconsin and promised myself I would post about it once I had a chance to process and digest what I saw. Three years later I still haven’t processed enough to put it into perspective. Instead, I’m sharing my Instagram posts from the actual trip, with very fresh commentary within 24-72 hours of visiting.

Need to catch up? Go back to part 1, part 2, part 3 or part 4


House 3

Okay, I don’t want to say I’m ready. I’m definitely not ready. But we’ve already been here for 4 hours and the employees are telling us the path ahead is just as long as the one we’ve already walked. And oh by the way they’re closing up in an hour. We pushed ahead with a skyrocketing fear of the abhorrent idea of being locked inside after closing. In a flurry of anxiety, we took the plunge.

I’ve read that Building 3 is based on Dante’s Inferno. The central conceit of The Inferno is that Hell is structured in concentric rings, with each level punishing different categories of sins. Most importantly, punishment is specific to the individual and matches his sins. In my opinion Building 3 borrows these concepts but Alex Jordan is no Virgil. He’s not leading us on an educational tour of a myriad of sins and the diverse methods of punishment each sinner receives. This is a single ring, a deeply personal vision of Jordan’s unique fight between salvation and damnation. The punishment is his alone and the path loops you around in spirals past repeating imagery in a chaotic churn between the symbols of transgression and judgement. You are now inside Jordan’s nightmare about the fate of his own soul. More than anything that came before this point, the feeling of lucid dreaming overwhelms. Sense of direction is lost in the shadows and curves of the path. The journey forward is a helpless one where you can only exist as an observer, swept along with no ability to influence the outcome. You may want to choose the path of salvation but Jordan hasn’t chosen for himself yet. This is not your story, it’s his. Start walking.

Giant copper brewing tanks, sometimes 2 stories tall, crowd into the main room of Building 3. The central chandelier, made up of red lamps that resemble the ones on the carousel, provides most of the lighting. And that isn’t much. Along one wall ceramic booze jugs with strange faces fill a space between copper tanks. Later the tanks transition to more of a power station motif, with warnings about overload. It’s not subtle, one is forced to conclude that Jordan struggled with alcohol and addiction.

From every direction ranks of organ pipes, some real and some artificially gargantuan, protrude from walls and rise to the ceiling. Angels in merciful poses accompany them. There are organ consoles in this room, but relatively few for the number of pipes. I find myself thinking of Gabriel, but more than that I think of the book of Revelations and the seven trumpets that herald the apocalypse. You may be tempted to dismiss this as a flight of fancy, over-interpretation of simple symbols, but hang on to that thought. The pay-off comes later.

Pianos hang vertically on walls. More angels, more pipes. I don’t think I got a good photo but there are narrow spiral staircases and bridges all around that are not intended for guests. Shadowy, silhouetted life-sized saints or angels gaze down at you from these bridges.

One side of the room is dominated by giant clockwork parts, a huge clock face and sprockets with a carillon of jumbo church bells suspended above it.

The clock is in pieces, in a jumbled disarray of gears and framework. Time has no meaning here.

Pipes and pipes and pipes and pipes and gradually they become less like organ pipes and more like steam pipes.

Then a huge steam machine with a massive propeller looms up around a curve in the bend. Sorry for the blur, we were rushing at this point.

Suddenly we’re given an opportunity to step outside and walk a path to “inspiration point.” We decline in the interest of time. But I notice among a series of inspiring quotes by people like Walt Disney, Alex Jordan has included a quote of his own. “My house will stand on a rock on a hill. Overlooking a valley deep and still.” Yes, he tells you, this whole endeavor is about transcending mortality and the haunting specter of death.

Endless red lamps and shadows.

Towers of silenced drums.

Organ consoles. More pipes. More hanging pianos.

Now we reach the other carousel. Dolls, all dolls, layers and layers ascending higher than you can see. No cheerful music or banging drums this time. Just silent, spinning dolls.

We thought we were approaching the back of the big carousel and we’re surprised that it was a doll version. Many of the passengers are unlit, with task lighting highlighting the ones that I suppose are more important. Or whatever. Who knows?

Welcome to the dollhouse… portion of the experience. Hundreds of them. All decorated. Even rooms you can hardly see are decorated. Some scenes are set off from the houses, isolated in bell jars. Women and girls are most often included as occupants, many times standing on porches. I saw male dolls in the bell jar isolation units. Large baby dolls are interspersed, towering over the house’s and ruining the village-like appearance.

Imagine what a difference adequate lighting would make.

One of the bell jar scenes and more houses. I originally withheld one scene because it was particularly disturbing and when @akanderswo posted it the photo was flagged and her account was suspended for a day. I’ve included it at the end of this set. Trigger warning: It appears to be a doll in the act of self-harm (non-gore). Scroll past to the next block of text if you’d rather not see it.

Some of the last music machines of the day.

The following is a wax cylinder recording. Except it’s not actually playing from the real cylinder. It’s a recording of the cylinder with some moving parts in a fabricated playback machine. I liked the aesthetic of the machine, though. But what a sound to send you on from creepy doll land to creepy circus land.

Tiny circus! Tiny circuses! So many tiny circuses! Too much to look at and the ticking clock drove us on. Plus some coulrophobia, not mine but I won’t name names. For my own sake I wanted to escape the woman behind us who was doot-dooting circus music the whole time she was in there.

Oh, you don’t like clowns? How about life-sized automaton clowns with hyena laughs and shifty eyes?

We all float down here. I’m not scared of clowns but this guy made me reconsider.

I want to get off of Mr. Jordan’s wild ride.

Precariously perched piles of pachyderms.

The realization hits me that this entire room is the final music machine and the automatons have us surrounded. We’re at the circus. We’re IN the circus. The circus is all around us. And it’s not miniature anymore, it’s life-sized.

The circus is all around us.

The circus is ALL AROUND us.

THE CIRCUS IS ALL AROUND US.

A huge tri-level circus float dominates the center of the room. A marching band in full regalia pounds out a rousing tune while a symphony orchestra at the far end of the room provides backup. Glamorous circus stars perch around the ornate framework, gazing off to the distant horizon. Here and there you can make accidental eye-contact with a drummer or horn player. It occurs to you that there could be a dead body in here and no one would be the wiser. It then occurs to you that you are outnumbered by the automatons. Your mind turns to Twilight Zone ideas where each automaton is a former visitor, and you hope to all things holy that you won’t look up and see an empty orchestra chair with your name on it.

They’re all unique. There are no duplicates.

I’m not sure why the next exhibit is a dueling gallery. Actually, after what we’ve been through I sort of get it. This collection is enormous and contains many interesting designs, but like everything before it’s impossible to know what’s a real antique and what’s a fabrication.

That’s better than a purse.

More cultural fetishization. I’m so tired.

And the armor. And the fake Crown Jewels. I had a scary moment when I was reviewing my photos because I could swear the soldier in the foreground of the elephant battle scene moved. But no. That’s crazy talk. I’m not going crazy.

Back out of circus world and around the doll carousel. We pass one side that’s well lit, then around to red lights and shadow, then back to actual lighting again. Here’s where it gets dicey. The very top tier is adorned with life-sized mannequins. Naked mannequins. With anatomically detailed musculature and nipples and strange markings that imply they’ve been repurposed from a previous life. They’re also kind of dirty. In one of these photos you can see the shins of a couple mannequins at the top. The last two photos show the full mannequin bodies, so scroll past if you don’t want to see simulated nudity in an artistic context.

As we wind down towards the end we pass a spiky castle fairyland and some inexplicably monstrous little creatures.

Back to the doll carousel for another pass around the perimeter. I originally censored the mannequins that topped the doll carousel so my Instagram account wouldn’t get frozen. This was an unsettling sight right at the end. The mannequins are dirty and clearly repurposed from another use. They may have held instruments for whatever purpose they served. They also appeared to have had a couple of anatomical details added which you ordinarily wouldn’t find on a standard department store mannequin. We were beaten down by so much overwhelming weirdness, so at this point we didn’t linger. It had been 5 1/2 hours of inundation and all we wanted to do was breathe fresh air and visit the gift shop. So we moved on.

And then we faced the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Remember when I said the organ pipe ranks made me think of the seven trumpets? I may not have been too far off of the mark.

Oh and there was an enormous cannon with spikes.

Then another triumphant carriage like the end of Heritage of the Sea, this one carrying a fleet of dolls. And then we’re surrounded by angels, angels everywhere. And then one last glimpse of the carousel from above as we receive our deliverance.

One last bewildered and exhausted look around and then we’re released to the outside where the Japanese garden awaits in blissful quiet.

And that was it. We emerged into a Japanese garden that took us across a water feature and into the gift shop as the place was closing up for the evening. I bought a shirt, and ornament, and a ballpoint pen, and then we staggered across the nearly empty parking lot. We had spent more than 5 hours in the House on the Rock, with one break for ice cream about 1/3 of the way through. We were starving and exhausted so we hit the road and drove into the Wisconsin countryside to find a restaurant that would bring us back from the brink.

The next day we toured Frank Lloyd Wright’s home, Taliesin, which happens to be right next door to Alex Jordan’s monstrosity. It’s a fascinating study in contrasts, and I recommend doing both while you’re in area. HOTR first, Taliesin second. Maybe in another 3 years I’ll come up with the words to compare the two experiences.

The end?

Yes. The end.

House on the Rock – Part 4

Back in May of 2017 I visited the House on the Rock in Wisconsin and promised myself I would post about it once I had a chance to process and digest what I saw. Three years later I still haven’t processed enough to put it into perspective. Instead, I’m sharing my Instagram posts from the actual trip, with very fresh commentary within 24-72 hours of visiting.

Need to catch up? Go back to part 1, part 2 or part 3.


House 3…Almost

Technically this is the end of Building 2, but I consider it the antechamber of Building 3.

Up ahead, down a long, dark hallway, a cacophony of drumming and clanging summons you towards a million whirling red and golden lights. You emerge into a great chamber where the world’s largest indoor carousel spins ceaselessly as mechanized arms hammer oversized kettle drums. Up above life-sized mannequins wearing angel wings dangle precariously over your head, some hung from a spinning apparatus that reminds me of the Shrike’s Tree of Pain in the novel “Hyperion.”

The carousel! Like the Mikado, I was waiting for this moment. I’ve seen photos and videos but the in-person experience is unbeatable. It’s a Goliath of a contraption, never slowing, never stopping. The room is so busy with detail and motion and light and sound that you’re nearly struck dumb by the sensory overload.

Facts about the carousel: it’s not technically a carousel because it does not rotate on a central axle. It turns on rollers because it’s too heavy otherwise. Also, keep an eye on the animals that pass by. You won’t find a horse among them. The horses are all mounted on the walls, hundreds of them, stacked to the ceiling.

I dare this room to make less sense.

I did what any rational person would do. I sat down and remained still for several minutes and recorded a time lapse.

Crank that exposure. See the angels? Yeah you do.

More carousel.

The horses must watch from the opposite wall, unable to play with the other animals.

Keep watching, keep watching, approach the carousel, pan right, pan left, what do you see?

Welcome to the entrance to Building 3. If you only paid for Building 1 and 2 you exit to the Japanese garden. If you paid for the “Ultimate Experience” you exit through the mouth of a demon. Make no mistake, the path ahead is stranger and more disquieting than anything you’ve seen so far. And it’s about to go heavy on the symbolism.

Continue to Part 5

House on the Rock – Part 3

Back in May of 2017 I visited the House on the Rock in Wisconsin and promised myself I would post about it once I had a chance to process and digest what I saw. Three years later I still haven’t processed enough to put it into perspective. Instead, I’m sharing my Instagram posts from the actual trip, with very fresh commentary within 24-72 hours of visiting.

Need to catch up? Go back to part 1 or part 2.


House 2 Continued

Ready? We’re about to enter the hall of musical automatons. Lots of video and audio coming. At the end of the journey we reach the end of Building 2 and enter the nightmarish Building 3.

You have angered the puppets. Do not anger the puppets.

Corridors narrow down again and overhead clearance gets lower. The lighting gets dim and decor gets ornate to the point of ostentatiousness. A wall plaque tells us we’re entering New Orleans and a small alcove off to our left is clearly a funerary setting, catacomb-like with a low curved doorway. Flickering electric “gas lamps” cast an orange glow across the small space to a casket table, thankfully sans casket. The message is clear, we’re not done running from the shadow of mortality. We’ve traveled in the company of Death up to this point. From this point on, he is our host and we are his guests. The path forward will take us through the struggle between damnation and deliverance. Like it or not, we’re going to experience both.

Listen. It’s so dark you can’t see ahead more than a few feet. You can hear strange music and the flow of traffic compresses as the corridors narrow and send you around blind curves.

Side note: the current owner commissioned a biography to be written about the creator. He had to complete it in 6 months, and that fell during the off-season. So they gave him a flashlight tour of the place. A flashlight tour. I can’t even imagine.

Another funeral carriage? This dude is dark. He seems to like the steampunk vampire aesthetic, and frankly makes Anne Rice look like a chump.

Welcome to New Orleans. Don’t you recognize it? No? Get used to it. Nothing in here rings true. It’s like cultures depicted by someone who has never seen them in person.

Are you ready for Miss Kitty’s Boudoir? No you’re not. Bonus points if you can figure out what song it’s trying to play.

Spoiler: It’s Yackety Sax

The magical musical machines are often out of tune, sometimes badly. There’s a bit of trickery going on, too. The percussive instruments are played as shown. Strings and brass and woodwind instruments are mostly just for show while hidden organ pipes create the sounds you’re supposed to believe even though they don’t sound quite like the instrument they’re emulating. Listen to the “saxophones” in this clip. Another thing: these creations were designed and built for the House on the Rock, not actual antiques. But they’re fine with you believing they’re antiques. Alex Jordan got his jollies from tricking people into believing his flimflam. Think of a PT Barnum, but a total dick.

Suddenly butterflies. Then, like living butterflies, they’re gone again.

Welcome to the first room-sized automaton ensemble. Here we have pianos and a harp and bassoons that wag back and forth and violins with broken and missing strings.

My theory is that an employee bumped the glockenspiel and shifted it down so it’s misaligned and that’s why every single note is wrong. At some point it might have been in key.

Supposedly it was refurbished in 2019 and is now in tune. I’ll believe it when I see it.

With all of the red and black and crushed fabrics and gothic imagery the place has a vampire chic vibe. This is what goth does when it doesn’t have Tim Burton movies and Hot Topic as an outlet.

This one has a main cabinet and a secondary unit that contains a giant music box roller. I’ve lightened the footage so the machine is visible. This is a particularly dark nook.

Music box rollers don’t go out of tune. The main cabinet contains tubas, trumpets, and violins, none of which really play. And the concealed pipes that play in their place are, shall we say, a little pitchy.

The Mikado. I was looking forward to this music machine from the moment I walked through the front door. Take a moment to try to parse what you see. It’s a mess of shapes and materials with reflective brass and hanging lamps and monochromatic red lighting messing with perception. I always wondered why I’d never seen a good clear single straight-on photo of the Mikado, but it turns out it resides in a relatively small room. You sit on a bench on the opposite wall with just enough space in front of you for other visitors to pass through.

The Mikado, as described in American Gods.

While many figures perform around the machine, which curves around to the sides of the room and extends far above the viewers’ heads, the central performers are two angry drummers. The automaton at the focal point of the machine has animatronic eyebrows that waggle as he plays.

The Mikado is a strange hodgepodge of references to various cultures, none of which represent any particular reality. It’s a fetishized view of the Eastern world. As you look around you see nods to Japan, China, India, and even Middle Eastern stereotypes. Like the other instruments it conveys the impression that the creators had never traveled to any of these places, and may have believed that doing so was unnecessary to achieve their vision.

More Mikado. This one pans up so you can see how large it is. Plus you get the dramatic conclusion to their “honk-bap-bap-honk” song.

Just in case you thought the last song wasn’t too bad, and perhaps are now thinking the Mikado is fun and charming, allow me to disabuse you of that idea.

Once you’re done enduring the fresh hell that is the Mikado you can admire a collection of ivory that includes their famous “Tusk of Ranchipoor.” This item got them into some legal hot water back in the 70s because they claimed it was authentic with some hokey noble savage trope backstory to lend it provenance. They got a slap on the wrist and had to stop lying. Instead of updating their information cards to clarify what was real and what was fake, they simply yanked all of their information cards. Alex Jordan preferred to let people decide for themselves what was real and what was fake. After all, he was only ordered to stop lying. He wasn’t ordered to start telling the truth. Side note: like his scrimshaw collection, some of this is real and some of it is fake. The fakes are pretty obviously plastic. But plenty of guests believe it’s all real.

A brief reprieve in a corridor of more cultural approximation. Cigar store Indians are mixed in with unnecessarily redundant piles of old tobacco and other icons that could only be included as relevant if one completely ignores the definition of the word “relevant.” It’s a bewildering mix of symbols and one is forced to wonder what decision making process led to heaping this stuff together. So much of this place is the result of detailed, intense labor that you search for the “why” everywhere you look. The notion that there may not be an explanation is unacceptable. Alex Jordan was controlling and micromanaging, you’re his guest on his journey and everything is curated. Which leads you back to “why” again and again in an endless disquieting cycle.

Another unsettlingly huge musical contraption. When a visitor drops a token into the slot a massive blower kicks on, reminding you that this place is completely dependent upon organ pipes.

I’ve lightened these photos significantly. The lighting is so dim that your eyes strain to catch details. Wrapped around the side of the room you see a viewing box. For some reason a large tree stands between the box and the stage, with branches obstructing the view. Stranger still is the small arched door, about knee-high, in the trunk of the tree. Why is there a small door in the tree? No explanation.

If it seems like I don’t know where to look, it’s because I don’t. It’s very dark (footage has been lightened) and it’s hard to know what is playing at any given time. You can see ranks of pipes towards the back. Percussive instruments like drums, pianos and harps are played with mechanized arms. The rest is pipes.

I am slowly going crazy.

Tills, Mother Marys, locks, music machines, some kind of steam-powered machine, and a horse. It’s like he had to build a corridor between the last room and the next and threw whatever he could find into display boxes to keep our attention along the way.

Boo. Enjoy the Red Room.

More out of tune music box roll machines. The collection of statues on top is confusing.

Foreshadowing lurking in the shadows.

If this photo makes no sense then you’re getting a feeling for what it’s like in person. The Red Room has wild beasts and a huge chandelier and saints beaming down from ornate gaps in the ceiling. It’s so dark and so red.

The Red Room. There are no words.

After the song ended @akanderswo overheard a woman say “it reminds me of Christmas” in utter delight. What the hell kind of scary-ass Christmasses do they have at her house?

Ive never heard “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” sound so morbid.

I didn’t adjust the lighting on this one. Enjoy.

And just like that you’re set free. You emerge from your trip around the world into a room filled with airplanes and another inexplicably large steam-powered vehicle.

We’re free of the nightmare of Building 2! Oh wait… no we’re not… there’s still one more room left to see…

Continue to part 4.

The House on the Rock – Part 2

Back in May of 2017 I visited the House on the Rock in Wisconsin and promised myself I would post about it once I had a chance to process and digest what I saw. Three years later I still haven’t processed enough to put it into perspective. Instead, I’m sharing my Instagram posts from the actual trip, with very fresh commentary within 24-72 hours of visiting.

Need to catch up? Go back to part 1.


House 2

May 28, 2017: Are you ready for building 2 of House on the Rock? I knew what I was getting into, but I quickly discovered that I was in over my head. It was like lucid dreaming in a walking nightmare from which you are not allowed to wake up.

At the entrance of house 2 you pass a mill water wheel and enter a very dark corridor that’s full of collections of stuff. No rhyme or reason, just stuff. Here you see the first Jonah and the Whale references.

According to my commentary, the ceilings are incredibly low in here. Notice how dark it is? Get used to it.

The first of many music machines. This one I like because it’s basically an overgrown music box. There are dozens of this type of instrument throughout the place but this is one of the few that actually operates.

A strange roped-off side scene with huge hanging cauldrons and suits of armor. I believe there were also tiers of benches to the side like people could sit and watch…. something. More red lights.

And now the dolls. So many dolls. The one that’s standing and gazing up with an arched back caught my eye. I’m not sure what the intention is here. More red lighting and wallpaper in this section. Of all colors the most frequent throughout are red and black. It’s like being swallowed.

There aren’t many hung photos but there was this one. Above it hangs a framed recreation of the photo in pinned dolls. There’s no card explaining. Is this the creator’s family? Why did he want to recreate this one? Why this one and no others?

More music. Starting to hear pitch problems. Things get more discordant as you go.

Streets of Yesterday

Here we go…

There are lots of little automaton boxes throughout the Street of Yesterday. Most of them are morbid. Scratch that, they’re all morbid. Lots of death imagery.

Dude had the nerve to call this a collection of Fabergé eggs. If those are Fabergé eggs, I’ll eat my hat.

This was one of my favorite moments the whole time we were there. No one has tuned this banjo since it was installed, at least that’s my guess. This is utterly hilarious to me.

I think this is supposed to be “Ain’t She Sweet?”

The Street of Yesterday is dark. Don’t believe the promotional images you’ll find online. It’s very dark. You can’t see the ceiling. Mind you, the camera tries to compensate and photos end up slightly lighter as a result. It’s one brick-lined road with shops on either side that are intended to depict late 1800s life. Many details are spot on. But some of them are weirdly off, especially given that this was supposed to represent Alex Jordan’s childhood years. @akanderswo made an excellent observation when she said these are full-sized dollhouses. The man was obsessed with dollhouses. These are his full scale dollhouses of an idealized version of the world he was born into. He froze and controlled the details of that world, curated what was included or omitted. Some of the upstairs rooms, which cannot be entered from the street, were furnished, just barely within view from below.

Welcome to the life-sized dollhouses. The Street of Yesterday is one frozen moment in time after another. Strange, mixed historic references, some of which are period appropriate, some of which are strangely confused. Almost all are macabre in some way. Please note the one that has a jarred 3-fingered hand and a jarred head in it. Alex Jordan clearly had a story going on in his head. He just didn’t give us any narrative elements or index cards to label what we were seeing. We have to infer what he intended for us to know.

More scenes from the Street of Yesterday. The whole time you’re wandering around in the dark you can hear carnival music ahead. Strange calliope music with clattering drums. Up ahead at the end of the experience is The Gladiator, a life-sized music box with an intimidatingly enormous steam engine that was visualized by Alex Jordan and built by a hired crew.

This was my candid response to The Gladiator as it came within view. I’ve lightened this footage a bit. It’s not the best footage but it has other people in it for scale. Subsequent footage loses its sense of scale because the figures are so doll-like. But they’re life-sized dolls.

Oh my god is right.

This oversized imaginary steam engine triggered pretty intense megamechanophobia. It sits just to the riff of The Gladiator as though it’s towing it through town.

The Gladiator in action.

Oh honeys, if only you knew what was coming.


The Heritage of the Sea

When you exit the Streets of Yesterday you enter The Heritage of the Sea, a nautical-themed warehouse of oddities associated with boats and ships and whatnot. The entire display is built around the perimeter of the building in an ascending ramp that takes you to the top of a leviathan that, sources say, is taller than the Statue of Liberty. I knew this was coming and was nervous going in. It was more terrifying than I expected because of deeply personal fears about proximity to large off-balance structures. This room nearly broke me. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

Real-time reaction.

The top of the picture is cut off because I was still cowering under the ramp at this point. I couldn’t get near the thing. @akanderswo at the bottom of the photo may provide some sense of scale but short of using a fish-eye lens there’s no way to fit the whole thing into frame at any angle.

If you’re too scared to walk the path of the leviathan you can escape through a bypass and go to the tiny cafe near the end of the Building 2 experience. However, escaping this way takes you past an ornate funeral carriage on a black backdrop with taxidermied animal heads gazing down at you. The message becomes clear at the end of the experience, so I’ll get back to this in a bit. Needless to say we decided to go back to the main room and give the terrifying sea creature a try.

I’ve lightened the footage but it’s still difficult to comprehend. In person it’s equally disorienting. The scene depicts Jonah and the Whale, a theme which we saw hints of at the entry to Building 2.

All photos have been lightened to try to make them more visible. Here are a number of frames that attempt to depict the battle at ground level. In the second photo you see the scale of the octopus’ giant eye. The birds above the whale’s tail are life-sized.

All around the perimeter as you climb three circuits to the top you find model ships, scrimshaw (some real, most fake), and titanic ephemera that claims to be real but definitely is not. Many people around us swallowed the whole thing hook, line and sinker. I heard one man tell his wife with a note of awe that Jordan put together all of the model ships himself as a child. No he didn’t. But it would make him happy to know that people believed.

The anxiety sweats are kicking in now. We’re up high and this thing is incomprehensibly big.

I want to get off of Mr. Jordan’s Wild Ride. This is when I realize that you can’t complete the experience without walking toward the open jaws and directly beneath its head. I am terrified of walking beneath huge off-kilter structures. And this one has teeth. This kicked off an intense existential crisis. Go forward or turn back? Forward or back? I sat for a while to wrestle with my fear and had several false starts in an attempt to continue.

After several vexing minutes of nearly crying in hysteria and escaping through the bypass, I decided I had to go forward. By now we’d figured out that the final stretch was an out-and-back. I’d have to walk beneath it twice. But I didn’t come this far to miss out on the intended experience, so I went forward. At a full run. Like a pounding head-down bolt. I grabbed this photo of the beast’s eye on the other side as I mentally grappled with the length of the run, which was longer than I’d anticipated from the angle of entry. It’s a large swath of sea monster to pass under. From here it was one more circuit to the top to look down into its gaping maw.

The octopus as seen from above.

Why does this suit have a face in it and what’s wrong with its face?

The very top. Check the second photo for a better idea of the approach to the mouth. You stand right at the end of the walk staring straight into it. Then you turn around and return to the floor below to exit and complete the experience. I ran the return route, too. No shame, no apologies. Make no mistake, this is the experience he intended.

A view from the return, just before I ran past. See the scale of the thing? See how close you pass to the jaws?

A life-sized “Jonah” in a yellow slicker and rowboat battle the heaving seas as a monstrous razor-toothed whale thrashes against a tangle of octopus tentacles. Seagulls wheel in the sky above its tail and inside its jaws a previously masticated rowboat conspicuously lacks a pilot. Alex Jordan intended this to represent fear and death and the trials of life. If you can endure the trial, you emerge victorious and are rewarded for your efforts.

Remember the funeral carriage and dead animals that awaited us in the bypass escape route? If you persevere your exit takes you by a much different carriage, a royal one with medals of valor on the opposing wall on a white backdrop.

And then you are delivered to heaven. Balloons and fantastic flying machines soar above a cartoonish Rube Goldberg machine and an ice cream shop. Happy music plays. The joy of the world is yours.

As you exit the Heritage of the Sea exhibit you’re delivered into a fanciful room where you get your first glimpse of daylight since you entered. Funny Burma Shave ads line one wall and upbeat 1950s and 1960s pop-rock with optimistic lyrics plays from hidden speakers. There are houses shaped like people-sized bird cages and trees where birds roost in bird-sized bird cages. Why do the birds in the trees need to be caged? That’s a damn good question.

Cases filled with marionettes and masquerade masks line the walk.

A cartoonish Rube Goldberg machine dominates this joyous space, featuring these God-forsaken monstrosities whose eyes move as they play.

More carriage contrasts. Gilt vs funerary once again. There are strong purgatory, damnation and deliverance images throughout the whole experience. Jordan’s mother was a devout Catholic and he attended Catholic school during his early years but apparently never clicked with religion. Sometimes it feels like he’s speaking a pigeon-English version of religion, like he’s got the basics of religion as a language but doesn’t quite understand the grammar.

I earned this ice cream, dammit. I didn’t check to see if it contained xanax. I had Mackinac Island Fudge, which is a flavor I can only get in the Great Lake adjacent states. It was a much needed familiar comfort.

Continue to part 3.

Finally Sharing the House on the Rock – Part 1

Back in May of 2017 I visited the House on the Rock in Wisconsin and promised myself I would post about it once I had a chance to process and digest what I saw. Three years later I still haven’t processed enough to put it into perspective. Instead, I’m sharing my Instagram posts from the actual trip, with very fresh commentary within 24-72 hours of visiting.


House 1

May 28, 2017: I visited the House on the Rock with @akanderswo today. I feel properly messed up in the head by the experience so I think I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to go through my photos and post the ones that best describe it.

Okay get ready, my feed is about to get weird. I took over 2000 photos and 47 videos, only a fraction of which are worth sharing. But it’s going to be a lot, so if you’re not interested in being inundated with photos of the fucked-uppedness of the House on the Rock, unfollow me until tomorrow. This place doesn’t play.

Let’s start in the bathroom of the visitor center. Already with the dolls. There are dolls everywhere. Hundreds and hundreds of old dolls. This is the brightest room in the place. After this it gets dark. And stays dark. For 5 1/2 hours. Side note: I jumped into the last stall before leaving so I could see how visible Santa was from in there.

We started on the “Ultimate Experience” in section 1, the original house that belonged to creator Alex Jordan. Sections 2 and 3 are warehouse like structures that were added later to include long, winding narrative paths through various levels of insanity. If you’re familiar with Dante’s Inferno, think of this as a descent through the rings of hell.

BOO! Just making sure you’re ready for what’s coming.

The corridor approach to the original house has a selection of items that prepare you for what’s ahead. But nothing prepares you for what’s ahead. The ceilings get lower here but inside the house the ceilings are barely tall enough for an average height man to stand upright.

The lighting, where there is any, is red much of the time. It’s mostly focused task lighting so shadows are everywhere, making it easy to miss stuff in the dark. This room had a faux-fur clad bench seat facing this hearth type scene which had multiple iron oven doors in the wall as well as cauldrons, etc. It was like facing a stage where no performance was intended. The object in the upper left corner is the carpeted ceiling. All floors, walls, and ceilings are covered in deep pile carpet. It smells exactly like you think it would.

Photos compensate for low lighting. Video does not. It’s very dark and there’s an automaton ensemble playing music the whole time. The mechanized arms knock and clatter and the instruments are often out of tune. This was taken from the faux-fur bench at the entry to the house.

This is the first of many automaton music machines. You can see as the camera pans how low the ceiling is above us.

This is when the grim realization struck that Alex Jordan lived here. Cooked here, slept here, existed here in this place. This dark, claustrophobic, heavily carpeted mishmash of rooms with its strange automaton orchestra was his home. That didn’t sit well with me.

Now we walk to the second part of the original house. A walkway that’s too long to be convenient connects the two. Mind you, Jordan was not an architect or a structural engineer and he had no master plan. This place is built directly on top of the rock and some of your visit requires you to trust that the local fire Marshall has inspected to make sure none of this will collapse and trap you inside.

Note the low carpeted ceiling at the entrance. I’m sure there was information in the visitor center that explained but our guess was that this part of the house was for guests and entertaining. When you walk in the walls are raw rock on one side and a chaotic mess of salvaged stained glass windows and a bell carillon on the other side.

There are strange conversation nooks all around. Fireplace hearths abound, many of which are decorated as though they are antiquated and functional, even though they’re not. Red lighting or no lighting at all in some parts, strange patches of sunlight filtered through decorative grating and stained glass windows in other parts.

The infinity room is a long cantilevered glassed-in hallway that hangs off of the side of the hilltop. The end is tapered to a point to give you the impression that it goes on into infinity but that illusion breaks down as you approach the end. The third photo was taken by @akanderswo as I noped the eff out of there. This thing wobbles and creaks and Alex Jordan was not a structural engineer and GET ME OUT OF HERE.

The walk down the infinity room. The glass surface at the end where it’s roped off is a window to the trees below. The sudden jerk of the camera at the end of the clip is the moment I realized the floor was creaking and the structure felt insecure and I speed-walked back to the house.

Stained glass throughout the house. Note how dark it is around the windows. There’s barely enough light to make it through the space.

Almost forgot, this is the lovely music you get to listen to as you walk towards the infinity room. Isn’t it soothing?

We stopped to rest after section one. Our mantra was “gird yourself,” which we said before each new experience. From this point outside we could hear the automaton ensemble through the wall. The shape of the exterior reminds you that this man was Frank Lloyd Wrong. It’s an easy joke but appropriate. I’m going to stop for now because I need to gird myself before moving on to the footage from section 2 and 3. The worst is yet to come.

Continue to Part 2

Asa’s Briarcliff is Live

Quick update to share the link for AsasBriarcliff.com which is now the permanent home of Asa Candler, Jr., updates. This author blog will contain more meta commentary about the writing of stories, less actual stories. This is where I ponder the craft and I intend to get back to that soon.

Most of the existing content on this blog will remain here. I may borrow a passage here and there, and may crib entire sections of the Merry Widow post to be retold on the other site. But AsasBriarcliff.com will contain more detail, including more supplemental content like photos and research sources.

If you arrived here because this site ranks for Asa Candler, Jr., Buddie Candler, or Briarcliff Mansion in Google search, please visit the new site for far more information than you may have imagined you would find.

Thanks for visiting!